A New Year

By Johnny Nghiem

January 12^th, 2022

“You're wasting my genes.”

It's been a while since I've posted and there's a series of reasons why. However, I'd like to start off by saying Happy New Year and thank you for still keeping up with my thoughts even though it's a bit outdated but still lingering, as always.

Last year was rough, most of you can agree but I found some beauty visually and internally.

I was on a tour bus recently, experiencing what Gozo Malta used to be, and all of a sudden, my mind became so heavy. While being graced by the sun and in the midst of ancient Roman ruins surrounded by various families having a contentful time, I finally broke down. I couldn't control myself and my only protection were my sunglasses that ultimately, did nothing.

“The goggles do nothing!”

After a few tormenting moments of waiting for other tourists to finish taking photos of a church, I accepted that this was my moment to be vulnerable and that I was also stuck on a bus and really had no choice.

Even then, my anguish had a bittersweet quality to it.

I struggle a lot with the idea of loneliness and longing. I assume it's from my past or it's from the future and it's setting me up to tell me that it's going to be like that way one day and to just deal with it.

It's probably because of my obsession with the Wong Kar-wai philosophy of solitude, heartbreak, and desire.

Why do I let my senses get the better of me?

"Emotional release only comes with total seclusion, the vast landscape swallowing up their romantic woes."

I've come to the conclusion that I'm a fairly distant person and can't come to terms with what's in front of me. It's this constant protection I need from feeling alone that I can't fully take into account what others are telling me which includes my family, friends, and partners. Missed opportunities, that's what I'm getting at.

Photography is kind of my solution for that void that's always left to be filled. I grew up expecting to accept the standard memories of everything which has only led me to be disappointed. I'm in love with the seconds, minutes, and days before this very instant so much that I get lost in the void of my mind trying to re-live it. Maybe my imagination is exaggerated, maybe I'm holding onto something, whatever it is, at least I know that one day, I can feel it can happen in real life again.

Is there a void that needs to be filled anyway? Do I do it to myself? Or should I just stop watching Wong Kar-wai movies?

To be continued.

Footnotes

All the decisions I’ve made in my life up until this moment, good and bad, made it all worth it just to sit across from you.

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FootNotes

All the decisions I’ve made in my life up until this moment, good and bad, made it all worth it just to sit across from you.